


Why ?

by Loveless_Sky



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Himuro is the best bf, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Men Crying, Mentions of self-induced vomiting, Not Beta Read, Self-Hatred, Still a bit of Fluff bc i can
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 10:07:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24848044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loveless_Sky/pseuds/Loveless_Sky
Summary: Murasakira is experiencing an episode of body dysphoria. Himuro is here to reassure him.
Relationships: Himuro Tatsuya & Murasakibara Atsushi, Himuro Tatsuya/Murasakibara Atsushi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	Why ?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, i would like to leave a not here (and at the end too) to put a TW before you start reading this one shot.  
> This will talk about body dysphoria, like i said in the tags. If you don't feel comfortable with reading it, please don't. I don't want to trigger anyone with something i wrote. 
> 
> But still, enjoy !

The tall boy knew that it wasn't really his fault. It wasn't his fault if he had a big body and big limbs. It wasn't his fault that he had stretch marks. Not his fault that he could still be growing. 

Looking at his reflection in the mirror, he let out a sigh as his fingers pinched the skin of his sides. His eyes were wattering. He didn't know what he had done to have such a body. Such a disgusting one. Everyone else was perfect in their own ways. He was not. He was big and scary and ugly. 

Sighing one last time, he put on a shirt larger than his actual size, and found his way out of his bathroom. Grabbing his sport bag, he then left his room to go direcly to the practice ground. Never stopping to buy any snack. Maybe if he didn't eat as much, he would stop growing and stop being this big. 

"Oi Murasakibara, you're late !"

Ignoring his teammate, he quickly put his bag next to a bench, taking place on the ground, a basket ball in his hands. Training was always so boring. He was glad when they said practice was over, two hours later. Changing in his clean clothes after he took a shower, he was about to leave the locker room when Okamura started talking louder.

"So everyone, we're going to eat out all together tonight !"

"Eh, why's that ?"

"We all practiced hard, we can all treat ourselves some good food ! Come one, we're leaving !" 

The purple haired boy let out a sigh, standing up. His boyfriend who was next to him, let his eyes fall on him.

"Atsushi, you're not happy that we are going out to eat ?" 

"It's too much effort. I don't wanna." 

The black haired boy let out a small laugh, extending his hands to brush the purple hair back. He then pull his hand over his shoulder, still standing in front of the taller boy.

"But you like to eat, so it's okay for you, no ?" 

Never saying anything, he turned around, leaving Himuro alone, wondering to himself on what had just happened.

The walk to the place where Okamura took them was fairly silent. Murasakibara wasn't talking even if his boyfriend tried times to times before leaving him be. Even if he was still eyeing him. Maybe it wasn't clear with how he seemed to be calm but internally, he was really starting to get worried. The purple haired boy never acted like that. Even when he was annoyed by something, he would complain about the said thing. But now, he did nothing, said nothing. He just kept on walking silently. 

When they finally arrived, all the basketball team found a place around a table. Everyone started looking at the menu, deciding on what they would eat. And even if Murasakibara hadn't wanted to eat, when he looked at the menu, he couldn't stop himself from ordering more dishes than he wanted to. Eating it all without thinking, it's when he took his last bite that he realised what he was doing. Swallowing with difficulty and near disgust, he put his chopsticks down. Pulling himself up, putting his bag over his shoulder.

"Atsushi ? Where are you going ?" 

"Dorms."

"Wait for me, i'll go with you."

"No. I wanna be alone." 

"Are you sure ?" 

He didn't answer his boyfriend as he took his way to the door leading outside. When he was outside, he tightened his fists, walking as fast as possible. He didn't want to stay around food or any person. He just wanted to be alone. 

Steping inside his room, he let his bag fall on the floor. He couldn't stop pacing around the room, letting his hands running frantically through his hair, pulling on some. He couldn't believe how much he had ate. He had told himself that he would stop all of this and minutes later he was eating like a damn pig.

Thoughs were running inside his mind. He felt like he was drowning in his own mind. It was hard, not to listen to your own mind, to ignore all of this. 

When he had had enough, he quickly walked to the bathroom and took his way direcly in front of the toilet. He had read about it on the internet but never really thought about doing it. If he was being honest, he did find the act of stuffing your own fingers down your throat kind of disgusting. And here he was, in front of his toilet, contemplating if yes or no he should try it.  
His shaking body was now kneeling in front of the toilet. His hands were cluching at the material of his sweatpants. He was sweating nervously, still thinking about it. And as he was about to do it, his fingers near his slightly open mouth, the door of his bathroom burst open, drawing immediately his attention in the direction of the noise. There, at the door, was his boyfriend, breathing heavily, his eyes wide open. 

"Atsushi ! What are you doing ?!"

Quickly joining the purple haired boy on the floor, Himuro slapped his hand away from his mouth. He then took his head between his hands, forcing the taller boy to actually look at him. Murasakibara had his eyes glued to the floor, his lips shaking. He could feel a burning sensation in his eyes. The black haired boy tried to look in the eyes of the other but the taller boy just kept them on the floor, never meeting his boyfriend's ones.

"Atsushi, what were you trying to do just now ?"

He could only shake his head right to left, his lips still shaking. He put a hand over his eyes as a sob escaped his mouth. He couldn't bring himself to hold it inside himself any longer. Without expecting it, Himuro was quick to hug the boy, pushing his face in the hollow of his own neck. He could fell tears on his skin as he tried to calm his boyfriend but he didn't care about how he would be a mess after.  
More time pass as they stayed like that, on the cold floor. Himuro didn't know why the other would do that. He didn't understand what had pull him to try something like that. Had he done that before ? Had he made himself sick after eating ? Had he hurt himself while doing so ? How could he had not noticed it before ? 

When Murasakibara's sob lessened, Himuro pushed himself a bit away from the other's body, pulling his fingers under one of his eyes, pushing the last tears away. He gently put his lips on the other's one, pressing lightly before pulling away. After kissing each eyes, he smiled a bit sadly, strocking soflty his boyfriend's red cheek. 

"Come, we should talk somewhere more confortable. The floor is cold, hm ?" 

He didn't really know what he was saying. He was stating the obvious. Pulling himself up on his feets, he took his boyfriend's hand, doing the same for him too. Squeezing gently his hand, he then step outside the bathroom, dragging the purple boy behind him. Sitting on the bed, he was quick to pull his boyfriend next to him, strocking his hand in a gesture of comfort. 

"Atsushi, will you tell me what happened ? I'm worried about you."

"Muro-chin... Why do you love me ?" 

Himuro wasn't expecting this question. What did he mean by "why do you love me ?" ? Wasn't that obvious ?" 

"Why do you ask ? I love you because you are you. You are such a gentle person even if you don't show it to the other. You're beautiful. Did someone told you something ?" 

"I'm not."

The black haired boy croocked his head to the side. What was he saying ?

"You're not what ? I don't understand, please explain it to me ?"

"I'm not all of what you're saying." 

"What ? Of course you are. Atsushi, did someone told you the opposite ?" 

"No, it's me..."

"Then, why are you think that ? Why... Why did you try do to that in the bathroom earlier ?"

The purple haired boy let his face fall to the floor. He could feel tears gathering in his eyes again and he didn't like that at all. He didn't like crying, especially in front of someone. 

"I'm not beautiful. I'm ugly and i have an abnormal body and it's fat and gross because i have so many stretch marks. I don't like that. I don't want this body. Why can't i be like Muro-chin ? Muro-chin is pretty and small..."

"Oh Atsushi..."

Himuro put his hand on his cheek, strocking his fingers against the sharp jaw he could feel under his fingertips. Why would his boyfriend think that ? 

"Atsushi, believe me, you are beautiful. So what if you're taller than me ? It makes me feel safer when i'm in your arms. So what if you have stretch marks ? It's okay, it just show that you're growing. Plus i have them too." 

Putting the other's head between his two hands, he let his eyes focused in the purples ones in front of him. Smiling a bit, he continues to talk.

"Listen to me. You. Are. Perfect. It's okay to be tall, it's okay to have marks. You're not fat or gross. I love this body so, please take care of it. I don't want you to hate it, i want you to love it. And it's okay if it takes time, i'll help you loving your body and loving yourself. Can you let me help you with this task ?" 

Unable to say anything because of the lump in his throat that was choking him, he simply nod his head. Tears were falling again, wetting his boyfriends fingers that were still on his cheeks. Himuro smiled gently before leaning to his boyfriend's lips, kissing him gently and with all the love he could. He hoped that the purple haired would sense his love for him. 

"Atsushi, answer truthfully, what you were doing before, have you done that before ?" 

"No... I've wanted to but i never did... I find it a bit gross."

"Why would you want to try making yourself sick then ?" 

I dunno. I felt fat after all the stuff i ate with the team. And i wanted to get ride of it i guess...

"You're not fat, quite the contrary. You have muscles yes, but you don't have fat. Plus, you play basketball, so you're going to burn calories anyway. You don't have to hurt yourself. And even if you did have a bit of fat, i would still like you just the same."

"Are you sure ? It's not pretty..."

"Hey, stop that..."

Leaning down a little bit, he kissed each of his cheeks, feeling the slightly damp skin underneath his touch. His hands were traveling on his arms, going from his shoulders to his chest. He then leaned down to the side of one of his arms, kissing the skin where he could see some strech marks that were barely visible now.

"I love you. I love your body. And i love all of it, even the stretch marks. I find it pretty on you, it's like you are a little tiger trapped in a human body." 

"I'm not little though..."

Chuckling a little bit, he kissed one of his cheeks before returning his hand there. His thumb took place near his bottom lip, strocking lightly the skin there.

"I don't care. You're perfect. I don't need you to do anything about your body. Though you could hug me right now, i wouldn't be opposite to it. Could you hug me Atsushi ?"

"If Muro-chin wants to, i can hug him."

Smiling a bit wider, Himuro felt his boyfriend put his arms around his waist, pulling him closer to his body. Leaning his head down on the taller boy's shoulder, he couldn't stop himself from leaving little kisses on the skin of his neck. The black haired boy knew that his boyfriend had a very sensitive neck. So he wasn't that surprise when he heard his breath quicken for a couples of seconds.

A soft chuckle left his lips as he continues to press kisses on the soft pinkish skin under his lips. A soft whimper could be heard in the room. Himuro slowly drew back, his eyes focusing on his boyfriend's face. His cheeks were now a pink tint, his eyes never daring to look at the boy in front of him, his lips slightly apart. Murasakibara pulled his hand in front of his face, hiding himself behind it. 

"Don't hide Atsushi. I want to see you."

"Don't wanna."

"Come on, i want to see my beautiful, handsome boyfriend."

Heat came back on his cheeks. The black haired boy lightly took in his hand the wrist of the other, putting his hand away, letting him see his face. A smile took his way to his lips. Leaning down, he was quick to kiss Murasakibara, pressing and moving soflty against him. After some minutes of kissing and praising, Himuro pulled back, short of breath.  
His hands were traveling on the sides of his boyfriend's chest, touching gently his soft skin. Marasakibara's breath shortened, becoming jerky. The black haired boy bend down to kiss the side of his neck, just where jaw meets neck, where he knew the other boy was the more sensitive. Pulling back when he heard a soft moan, he chuckled, letting his hand find her way in the purple hair. 

"Will you let me show you how much i love you Atsushi ?" 

Not a word, just a nod of the head. He turned his face to the side, hiding his red cheeks when he felt his boyfriend's soft touch and lips on his skin. 

Himuro was ready to do all his possible for Murasakibara to believe him when he was saying that he was perfect for him. Even if he had to show him. Even if he had to spend the night at it, he would do it without hesitation. He would always cherish and love this body. Even if he had to love it for two person. He would love it with all his heart and soul.

**Author's Note:**

> So, i felt like Murasakibara would maybe be the more "fitted" one for this one shot.  
> I won't lie, it was kinda hard for me to write this one. Don't get me wrong, i still did enjoy writing it.  
> It's actually kind of a substitute character for myself. I do experience body dysphoria quite a lot and have similar problems with what i'm talking in this one shot. I'm trying to get better even if it's still hard. And i hope that by writing my feelings through other characters, i could help myself believing what is said to me by my close ones.  
> But if you do experience this sort of things too, know that you are perfect the way you are. I know that maybe you won't believe it now but one day you will. Stay strong and love yourself :)


End file.
